How To Summon the Dark Priest Cthulhu
Ten Easy Steps to Awaken Your Very Own Eldritch Horror
Have you ever looked up at the stars and wondered what strange, unearthly phantoms seeped down from them in aeons past? Ever wanted to prove your worth to the entire world and simultaneously erase the stain of humanity from its surface? Ever had an overwhelming urge to seek out the forbidden knowledge posessed by those who cannot be named? Well, now you can do all these things, and many more! Great Cthulhu, the High Priest of the horrific Elder Gods, lies dreaming in the sunken city at the bottom of the primal ocean, and now the power to raise him from his ancient slumber is in your hands! Just follow these easy instructions to the letter, and you'll be singlehandedly responsible for the demolition of everything pure in the universe in no time!
1. Find ye the Necronomicon.
This step is often difficult, as the Necronomicon, written by the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred, is rather a pain to try and locate. According to H P Lovecraft, there are only a few copies in existence, most of which are kept under lock and key by those who would try to stop you from unleashing unwholesome blasphemies on the world (heaven knows why). A good place to look is in New England's Miskatonic University, although exact directions to the university are sadly not forthcoming.
2. Study ye the Necronomicon.
One of the simpler steps. This should present little trouble once you have acquired a copy, although rumours abound that it is often written in odd dialects, and may require some studying of various other occult books as well. A very thorough understanding of the mysteries locked within the eldritch book is absolutely essential for the success of your summoning, but mind that its mind-shattering contents don't drive you utterly mad - at least, not too mad to perform the rest of the ritual.
3. Find ye the Cthulhu Cult.
According to legend, a secret cult exists, spanning the entire globe, whose initiates perform hideous rituals and sacrifices to appease the Elder Gods, who hold the great Cthulhu as their high priest. It is unclear how to gain entrance to this cult should one succeed in discovering it, but most sources agree it is probably very painful.
4. Worship ye the High Priest Cthulhu.
Dead Cthulhu lies sleeping in the submerged city of R'lyeh, but before you can attempt to awaken him, it's best if you first prove your intentions to his vast dreamlike consciousness. Cthulhu will be much more likely to spare your pathetic soul if you bow down and perform obeisance to a carven image of him for several years before initiating the necessary rituals. As you will see, several years are most likely required to obtain the proper conditions for such a summoning anyway, so you might as well do something worthwhile with your time.
5. Remain ye alive for the duration of the Worship.
A key step. Many people have failed at this step by simply forgetting the cardinal rule of the occult: let other people do your dirty work for you. You'll hardly be in a good position to summon any High Priests if your spleen has been carried into the netherworld by the infamous Yog-Sothoth as retribution for the time you bungled the ritual of awakening the dead from dust. It's always good to initiate several complete idiots to perform most of your rituals for you. Countless dark wizards and demonologists have forgotten to take this into account, and have paid dearly.
6. Keep ye the Worship a Secret.
This is another very important step, and again, many people have failed here by exciting too much attention from the authorities. It's best not to keep your laboratory in the house where you live (especially if you still live with your parents) because the strange odours and evil noises that are sure to emanate from it at all hours are a little suspicious in the eyes of the general populace. Don't forget as well that not all your potential enemies are of this world. Remember, the Old Ones who created life on this planet waged a vicious war against the Spawn of Great Cthulhu in the terrible ages before mankind existed. It's entirely possible that they will try and intervene unless the rituals are attempted covertly and discreetly.
7. Wait ye for the Stars to be Aligned.
Not a hard step, but a time-consuming one. There isn't much one can do at this step but wait around until the stars form the eldritch, disturbing patterns described in your Necronomicon. You'll know when the stars are right by the disturbing nightmares that you, your peers, and most likely every mildly insane person on the planet will suddenly complain about. With any luck, this step will occur in your lifetime - although if it doesn't you can always take the necessary steps to ensure that one of your descendants discovers your ancient notes and foolishly revives you from the ashes of your portrait.
8. Find ye the Sunken City of R'lyeh.
This shouldn't be too difficult as long as you've got the alignment of the stars right. According to legend, Dark Priest Cthulhu sleeps in the chambers of an enormous sunken city, built aeons before man crawled from the trees, and this city is due to return to the surface of our world when the stars are aligned. Unfortunately, you won't have very long to find R'lyeh, because it sinks again once the stars restore their natural patterns. Acquiring a boat before this step is attempted is a very good idea. Look in the Pacific Ocean mainly. You'll know when you've found it, trust me.
9. Perform ye the Rituals and Awaken ye the Dark One.
The climax of any dark summoning is, of course, the ritual, painstakingly chanted from your Necronomicon in the midst of unholy circles and sputtering black candles. Observe great care in getting the whole thing right, however - we all know the terrible consequences of having a sore throat or the hiccups whilst attempting bizarre, blasphemous chants. The ritual will probably drain your strength and leave you vulnerable for complete and utter loss of sanity, but don't worry. In a little while, everyone else will be insane too.
10. Watch in manic terror as the spawn ye hath unleashed proceeds to strip the earth of all that is good and wholesome, and turns it into an insane breeding ground for gibbering horrors from the nether regions of frozen space.
This is the easiest step. Watch and enjoy! The only difficulty lies both in persuading the Dark Priest you have summoned to spare your pitiful flesh from the harvest, and keeping yourself sane as everything around you is crushed in the wake of a tide of overwhelming horror. Of course, you could always just go with the flow and run around screaming in your underpants until your soul is devoured.
That's it! That's all you need to accomplish before the entire world can be devoured and held under the sway of amorphous monstrocities from nether regions of chaos! As always in meddling with the occult, however, be sure to always keep in mind that whatever you do and whoever you unleash, you will always end up paying for it with your tasty sweet soul.
Good luck, and don't forget:
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"