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How To Summon the Dark Priest Cthulhu

Ten Easy Steps to Awaken Your Very Own Eldritch Horror

   Have you ever looked up at the stars and wondered what strange, unearthly phantoms seeped down from them in aeons past? Ever wanted to prove your worth to the entire world and simultaneously erase the stain of humanity from its surface? Ever had an overwhelming urge to seek out the forbidden knowledge posessed by those who cannot be named? Well, now you can do all these things, and many more! Great Cthulhu, the High Priest of the horrific Elder Gods, lies dreaming in the sunken city at the bottom of the primal ocean, and now the power to raise him from his ancient slumber is in your hands! Just follow these easy instructions to the letter, and you'll be singlehandedly responsible for the demolition of everything pure in the universe in no time!

1. Find ye the Necronomicon.

This step is often difficult, as the Necronomicon, written by the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred, is rather a pain to try and locate. According to H P Lovecraft, there are only a few copies in existence, most of which are kept under lock and key by those who would try to stop you from unleashing unwholesome blasphemies on the world (heaven knows why). A good place to look is in New England's Miskatonic University, although exact directions to the university are sadly not forthcoming.

2. Study ye the Necronomicon.

One of the simpler steps. This should present little trouble once you have acquired a copy, although rumours abound that it is often written in odd dialects, and may require some studying of various other occult books as well. A very thorough understanding of the mysteries locked within the eldritch book is absolutely essential for the success of your summoning, but mind that its mind-shattering contents don't drive you utterly mad - at least, not too mad to perform the rest of the ritual.

3. Find ye the Cthulhu Cult.

According to legend, a secret cult exists, spanning the entire globe, whose initiates perform hideous rituals and sacrifices to appease the Elder Gods, who hold the great Cthulhu as their high priest. It is unclear how to gain entrance to this cult should one succeed in discovering it, but most sources agree it is probably very painful.

4. Worship ye the High Priest Cthulhu.

Dead Cthulhu lies sleeping in the submerged city of R'lyeh, but before you can attempt to awaken him, it's best if you first prove your intentions to his vast dreamlike consciousness. Cthulhu will be much more likely to spare your pathetic soul if you bow down and perform obeisance to a carven image of him for several years before initiating the necessary rituals. As you will see, several years are most likely required to obtain the proper conditions for such a summoning anyway, so you might as well do something worthwhile with your time.

5. Remain ye alive for the duration of the Worship.

A key step. Many people have failed at this step by simply forgetting the cardinal rule of the occult: let other people do your dirty work for you. You'll hardly be in a good position to summon any High Priests if your spleen has been carried into the netherworld by the infamous Yog-Sothoth as retribution for the time you bungled the ritual of awakening the dead from dust. It's always good to initiate several complete idiots to perform most of your rituals for you. Countless dark wizards and demonologists have forgotten to take this into account, and have paid dearly.

6. Keep ye the Worship a Secret.

This is another very important step, and again, many people have failed here by exciting too much attention from the authorities. It's best not to keep your laboratory in the house where you live (especially if you still live with your parents) because the strange odours and evil noises that are sure to emanate from it at all hours are a little suspicious in the eyes of the general populace. Don't forget as well that not all your potential enemies are of this world. Remember, the Old Ones who created life on this planet waged a vicious war against the Spawn of Great Cthulhu in the terrible ages before mankind existed. It's entirely possible that they will try and intervene unless the rituals are attempted covertly and discreetly.

7. Wait ye for the Stars to be Aligned.

Not a hard step, but a time-consuming one. There isn't much one can do at this step but wait around until the stars form the eldritch, disturbing patterns described in your Necronomicon. You'll know when the stars are right by the disturbing nightmares that you, your peers, and most likely every mildly insane person on the planet will suddenly complain about. With any luck, this step will occur in your lifetime - although if it doesn't you can always take the necessary steps to ensure that one of your descendants discovers your ancient notes and foolishly revives you from the ashes of your portrait.

8. Find ye the Sunken City of R'lyeh.

This shouldn't be too difficult as long as you've got the alignment of the stars right. According to legend, Dark Priest Cthulhu sleeps in the chambers of an enormous sunken city, built aeons before man crawled from the trees, and this city is due to return to the surface of our world when the stars are aligned. Unfortunately, you won't have very long to find R'lyeh, because it sinks again once the stars restore their natural patterns. Acquiring a boat before this step is attempted is a very good idea. Look in the Pacific Ocean mainly. You'll know when you've found it, trust me.

9. Perform ye the Rituals and Awaken ye the Dark One.

The climax of any dark summoning is, of course, the ritual, painstakingly chanted from your Necronomicon in the midst of unholy circles and sputtering black candles. Observe great care in getting the whole thing right, however - we all know the terrible consequences of having a sore throat or the hiccups whilst attempting bizarre, blasphemous chants. The ritual will probably drain your strength and leave you vulnerable for complete and utter loss of sanity, but don't worry. In a little while, everyone else will be insane too.

10. Watch in manic terror as the spawn ye hath unleashed proceeds to strip the earth of all that is good and wholesome, and turns it into an insane breeding ground for gibbering horrors from the nether regions of frozen space.

This is the easiest step. Watch and enjoy! The only difficulty lies both in persuading the Dark Priest you have summoned to spare your pitiful flesh from the harvest, and keeping yourself sane as everything around you is crushed in the wake of a tide of overwhelming horror. Of course, you could always just go with the flow and run around screaming in your underpants until your soul is devoured.

   That's it! That's all you need to accomplish before the entire world can be devoured and held under the sway of amorphous monstrocities from nether regions of chaos! As always in meddling with the occult, however, be sure to always keep in mind that whatever you do and whoever you unleash, you will always end up paying for it with your tasty sweet soul.

   Good luck, and don't forget:

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"
Whoa, something different this time! I was looking through my rather ample collection of prose, and found this little fella hiding in a dusty corner of My Documents, gathering dust and gibbering to itself in tongues unheard by mankind. And I couldn't resist putting it on here.

Everyone's a Lovecraft fan, right? RIGHT!? At least some knowledge of his work is necessary to fully appreciate this - so if you've never heard of the man, you've got some reading to do.

Cthulhu and his wacky mythos are copyright Howard Phillips Lovecraft, and not me.
Add a Comment:
NoahTaylorOnYoutube Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is the greatest thing I have ever seen anywhere. I would seriously favorite this 90 times. XD Good job!
arizedwilds Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I had a great idea. I will create a cthulu cult that all of you can join so that you will not have to find one. Also the initiation will only require you sacrafice your sanity to azaroth. Shouldnt be that hard. Right?
ChrysophylaxCreates Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm on Step Four.  You?
Whovieancthulhu Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014
PrinceoftheAngels Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2015
You need to be insane yourself to read it. i achieved that by not drinking coffee for three days. 
account-potato Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2015
Because it was written by a madman, so there.
XeonartOmega Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Me: OOOOOOHHH so your Azathoth!

Azathoth: Yes! But my real name is [syntax error! Hard-drive overload]

LordCthulu Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013
tu non invenies concavi civitatem R'lyeh facile reperire est durus, sed respice ad mare ad punctum trianguli
Pietroschek Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I like it! :evillaugh: [ And notice how I did not praise you as Master and did not label it a manual ..? ] "Cthulhu fthagn iyeah iyeah..." That is my prose after all.

SgtPossum Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013
Very witty; I laughed out loud. Great stuff!
Obsidiandovah Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" All hail our overlord cthulhu!
zemetrius Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012
.....honey.....where did you put my copy of......
zemetrius Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012
...honey...where did you put my copy of....
lawyit Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
i beleive that cthulhu is real love craft could have hade other wordly inspiration for his books
WillyD666 Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
I cant find the sunken city of R'lyeh. I got the necronomicon and sorted the cultists out but I cant find the city even though I KNOW the stars are properly aligned. Im running out of time before the stars diverge and the next alignment is aaaaaaaages away. Please help!!!!
SunfishBob Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Have you checked in Atlantis? I hear it's supposed to be there.
Panhead13 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Student General Artist
Wikipedia apparently has the coordinates.
Actually the time for it passed some 4 years ago thankfully though I finally found an air bubble with a decent wifi connection. Now all I need to do is wait for another 300 years... 
WillyD666 Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
I cant find the city sunken city of R'lyeh. I got the necronomicon and sorted the cultists out but cant find the city even though I KNOW the stars are right. I'm running out of time before the next planetary cycle, please help!!
Pomegranata Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2012  Student General Artist
I love this.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
freddykrueger2099 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011
i'm gonna do this shit
AmbroseCE Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You win the internet.
CrazyDave303 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
I rubbed my self raw reading this... thanks :)
VampirePumpkins Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2011
Geez, 5 years and someone still hasn't summoned the Dark Priest? >.> Cultists these days, tsk-tsk.
YoBadMama Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Well, you can't blame them, most go insane by step 3. They just don't make cultists like they used to...
Ghostofsparta01 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2011
becarefull cthulhu most get really cranky after awaking him from his ancient slumber he most have alot of sand (eye sand) in his eyes and horrible smell (aaw the sweet smell of morning breath)
NelsonHojax Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
love the reference to charles dexter ward, add o that to make sure you familiarize yourself with the time you've been summoned to, don't just wing it like curwen...
buttfish13 Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2010
Dear god! The necronomicon said otherwise -but your point on the occultist uses a puppet summoner is correct :P
ajofflight Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2010  Student Writer
Haha, I love it! I just recently learned how to say Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! I'm going to favorite this right now. I was actually thinking about writing some Lovecraftian-based short stories, and this will help greatly.
Nagneto Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Sigmoonda Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2010
That is amazing :D
TheCherryMonster Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2010   Filmographer
omg! this is awesome!
thegalen Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2009
the first step is the hardest one i think its almost imposible and that sucks
Bosshamster Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2009
Not at all! You can buy the Necronomicon on Amazon these days: [link]
thegalen Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2009
but is the same as the original
Bosshamster Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2009
Only one way to find out!
thegalen Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2009
yar right ill buy it
DismalDIRGE Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Or You could try and download a PDF of it.
MaddyMadness Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2009  Student General Artist
...EPIC *_* <3 <3 <3
McKrazy Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2009
Thank you for your instruction sir. I'm going to start summoning Cthulhu right away! I'll see you when I unleash unspeakible evil upon world!
Amazonne Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Well...looks easy!

Except for the part of remaining alive.
I wouldn't have thought of that one...
Bosshamster Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009
Exactly! It's an oft-overlooked but crucial step - in fact I dare say no one has ever managed it properly.

...Good luck, though! :D
azaeryll Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2009
Aaaaaaah, lovely ! It's an UBERFAVORITE of mine ! Actually... on the door to my room is written in big black chaotic letters : ''Iä ! Iä ! Cthulhu Fhtagn, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Iä ! Iä ! Cthulhu Fhtagn !''

Yeah... I'm THAT geek...
Bosshamster Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2009
That's the sort of dedication that our Tentaculous Overlord will almost certainly reward when he rises at last from his deathly slumber.

Trouble is, of course, he has... unorthodox methods of rewarding the devout. :paranoid:
azaeryll Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2009
You know all these Chuck Norris jokes, about how supreme he is... well imagine that exponentially multiplied to a level that cannot be understood by human spirit, condensed into a single draft of physical and psychological torture. Such intensity is Cthulhu's way to say ''thank you, but that'll teach you waking me up !''

Cthulhu has ONE bad morning mood.

Well... I suppose !
JulieKrizan Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2009  Student Digital Artist
:clap: The hardest I've lol'd in a long time.
Bosshamster Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2009
Thanks! :D
LadyofFellan Featured By Owner May 6, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Myrth1 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2009
And that's what happen children, when you read too much lovecraftian bullshit :D

Fantastic work :clap: :clap: :clap: :highfive:
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